Monday, 9 March 2009

He couldn't stay ...

The love of my life died on the last day of our Summer ... 28 February 2009.

We spent three weeks in hospital together and then with the help of our Palliative Care nurse, I was able to bring my hubby home for his final few days.

He was doing it hard, but he never stopped smiling and communicating with family and friends.

Early Saturday morning, he had problem breathings, and after administering him his meds at 3 am and 4 am, I phoned our Palliative Care nurse for advice. He talked me through the next hour, and then it was all about waiting ... waiting for our kids to arrive.

My gorgeous man was doing it tough, but he wasn't ready to give up and he kept gasping for breath and doing everything in his power to stay with us. Our kids arrived just before 11 am (they'd flown in around 10 am) and we were by his side till he took his final breath 1 1/2 hours later.

He acheived his goals to be at home and to have the three people he loved the most in this world holding him tight.

Our sadness is so heavy I'm not sure how to survive the weight, but I'm pleased my hubby no longer has to live with this horrible disease!

Thanks to the many bloggers who've been giving me support over the past year ... it was truly appreciated.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Karen:
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for staying in touch. I know you are relieved your husband is no longer suffering....all that said, his being gone is also so difficult and painful. I am so sorry you are having to go through all this heartache. Please keep updating your blog. I look forward to hearing from you Karen, and I hope you will reach out for comfort and support, especially during the really hard days that can surface during this very tender and sad time. Thank you for sharing your journey Karen. I am relieved to know that you have such good memories of your husband...I was always so impressed by your description of him. It is amazing how the really good people on this earth often leave a lot earlier than we wish they would. I am praying for you Karen, hoping you and your children will find comfort and peace of mind during this trying time. Take good care.
Julie

Anonymous said...

Karen:
I forgot to leave you my email address. I have not set up a blog as of yet. My name is julie (I wrote the first
response to your latest blog entry), and I live in Northern California. I am 47 years old, and like you, I am also wearing braces (this is my third time in braces). My braces are back on to prepare me for reconstructive jaw surgery which I hope will cure my recalcitrant sleep apnea. Please feel free to drop me a line....I would be delighted to hear from you.
Julie
mukijl@aol.com

Anonymous said...

There's no easy way to deal with a loss like this. But wrap yourself in the good memories, and hold in your heart the fact that Merv is now free of his suffering, and that you all got the chance to say goodbye.

Anonymous said...

Hi Karen, you don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog from a random google search a few months ago and found your story so compelling that I bookmarked it and checked back every so often. I wish there were words that I could say that would ease the pain and suffering that you feel, but there are none. I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband was taken far too soon, but he was fortunate enough to know that he was loved right up until his final moments in this world. Your strength is an inspiration.

Chad said...

Hi Karen: I am a 34 year old male living in Winnipeg Canada. I can't say I know how it feels to loose my significant other so I will not even try. I am very sorry for your loss and admire your strength and the strength of your family.

One thing I do know plenty about is what it is like to have an amazing, supportive, caring and beautiful wife. This is where I think your husband and I had quite a bit in common. Your updates always use words like, “My gorgeous man”, “The love of my life”, and “I love my man” which leads me to believe that you and my Carlyne were cut from the same cloth. I can say with 100% confidence that if anything were to happen to me today, I would pass on feeling like the luckiest man on earth. I'm sure your husband felt the same way.

Warmest Regards;
Chad

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

Michelle said...

Karen,
I am so sorry for the loss you are feeling right now. I have thought about you so much lately and hopefully gave you some strength in getting through this very difficult time. Just like your rainbow bridge poem, he will be waiting for you on the other side. I'm sure of it. You were both so lucky to share such an incredible love. Let the wonderful memories keep you going and remember, he is now pain free. If you want to talk outside of this blog, feel free to e-mail me anytime. mgoodchild@tspcu.org Sending hugs and also the strength to get through every minute!
Michelle

Brenda said...

Karen,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's is of little consolation that you were all together and that he is no longer in pain. His suffering may be over, but yours has only just begun. I wish you peace as you continue on your journey through this dark period of grief.

I'm so very, very sorry.

Brenda

stephanie said...

I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss, and you continue to be in my prayers. I cried when I read this entry - when you didn't update for so long I feared the worst.

Much love and many hugs,

Steph

laura said...

I'm so sorry. My love goes out to you and your family.

You've have been so brave and strong this last year, through such a terrible time. I'm so glad your hubby could be at home surrounded with the people he loved.

Laura

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss Karen.

Anonymous said...

Saying I feel for you and your loss seems so insufficient. I hope you can take comfort that his pain has ended and you can smile remembering the good times you shared together.

You are in my thoughts

Mike
(iBorg)

nabukay said...

Oh Kaz, although we are so far away from you we have you in our thoughts and prayers. love nabukay

SweetL said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.... My prayers and thoughts are with...

Anonymous said...

You have my deepest sympathy...
Please take comfort in knowing that your beloved husband did not suffer the pain any more...
My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Rachel (Rae) said...

Oh Karen, Karen!! I am so so very sorry to hear of your loss. You knew it was coming, but it doesn't help you prepare 100%.

How symoblic that your beautiful hubby left on the last day of Summer...now you'll all be going through the 'autumn' of your lives... I'm glad your family is there with you. Take comfort in each other as much as you can.

I'm so glad to know he isn't suffering any more and I'm sure that is a gift that he wanted to give to you (to not have to suffer as well). Each and every day you are in that new house, I pray that you'll feel his presence and remember all of the wonderful times you've had together. Know that he built that house with as much thought and love as he could, because he knew he wouldn't be able to share it with you for long. I hope that can bring you some comfort.

I'm so glad to hear you are in therapy. I haven't gone through a tragedy like this, but can attest to how valuable and healing therapy can be.

You are truly an inspiration to many, Karen. On the many websites you belong to, and I'm sure in your day to day life. You have supported so many people, and I know we would like to support you back, so please let us...in anything that you need?? We love you.

Lastly, please turn to Jesus and rest in His arms. He is grieving with you because of your pain and suffering and wants to give you a peace that surpasses understanding.

Anonymous said...

Karen, I have been following your blog since 2005 and have commented here and there. I too, was a patient of Dr Con. So sorry to hear your loss. Keeping my thoughts close to you and your family xox

stephanie said...

Still thinking about you, Karen, and sending prayers your way.

Kelly said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Karen. I started following your blog a little while ago (for the braces/surgery part of it) and I read your family's story. I kept hoping and praying for a miracle, and I am so sorry that it didn't happen. Just remember that you WILL see him again one day.. I will be thinking and praying for you and your family. I am so so sorry for your loss. :(

Anonymous said...

I came across your blogspot here on Braces... and have bawling myself from this. I feel what you feel and know of loss and being there as well. It really is hard. I myself have been all alone through times of my own and don't look forward to future happenings. I can say that not to be speaking of myself here but that I know from being all alone how in the past how necessary it is to have warm bodies around to cry on and with and hug and rub your back keeping you in the present tense to help keep you also with them and to seek general love and things you look to and like do on a daily basis. They are your love now. I hope this doesn't hurt or make anything worse for you but relate and support so you can be and continue to also give love to others as they need you with the beauty that is all around despite the not to great things in life and live for the sun with others and they will be kind like you. I believe you are kind and beautiful ... B

ingrid said...

how are you doing Karen? i'm so sorry for your loss. whenever you're ready, i hope you will start blogging again.
::HUGS::

AJH said...

Hi Karen (Sunny),

I (anijh) just visited your user profile on bracesreview because I wanted to learn more about you since you always seem to be around to provide good, helpful answers to those of us on the board. I wanted to know if you had ever posted pictures or a blog and I saw that you had this space.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. My thoughts and prayers are indeed with your family. I won't pretend to know what it's like as a spouse as I'm not married but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in hating lung cancer and wanting to get rid of it. I too lost someone to this terrible disease early this year. My father lost his fight against cancer on January 13, 2009 and it has been a difficult thing to get through but what gets me going is the thought that he'd want me to honor his name by continuing to live this life (the very one he fought to see and share) and succeeding in the things I'd set out to do. I hope you're able to find comfort in the same. If ever you need someone to talk to, I'm available on the bracesreview site. Hit me up.

Anijh

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